Let's rewind without moving backwards

I wish it could always be just us.
Us two against the world.

...Even if that means only eating canned food and frozen pizzas.

Yes, we definetly do not live the most glamorous life but i enjoy it. With you as my company I feel complete. Please let's go back to the days when you hugged me for no reason and grabbed my hand just to hold it. I miss those nights where we did everything but sleep and those mornings when we woke up in each others arms.

Rewind time without moving backwards.

Tell me you loved me.

Even better, tell me if you still love me...

Consequences of Caring Too Much

Between me and you and I care too much. Always have, always will. Its my biggest fault.

Recently I have fallen for my greatest friends, not in a sexual way but definitely in love. Not in the kind of way that I wish to spend the rest of my life with them but in the kind of way that i worry about their choices and the consequences of their actions. Especially since their recent actions have crosses paths and may indefinitely lead to failure.

How do you tell a friend that their life choices are going to destruct the dreams of other related friends?

How do you pick which of your close friends to confide in more in order to protect them?

Or is this the time when I need to just step back and let them make their own mistakes?

Either way I guess I'll feel guilty... and since I'm known for caring too much, this feeling of guilt will eat away at me no matter which direction I choose... is there no correct answer or am I just too involved to make a proper decision?

Too many questions and not enough answers.
This sounds like life in general now that I'm proofreading this sad little post...
God damn life. fuck you and thank you.

xxox

Loved

With the past two days off I've had more time than usual to lay around and ponder what I'm doing with my life. To be honest there is not much to ponder since I'm not really doing much with my life. I guess you could say I'm stuck in a rut. a sad rut.. at age 22 I'm graduated from makeup school, working an unrelated part-time job as a hostess and dating a guy who treats me more like an annoying roommate rather than his girlfriend. I have friends here and I enjoy Toronto and city living but currently I am not seeing the potential in myself I was once so excited about.

The past few months have been tough. Really tough. Countless doctors appointments and sitting in boring waiting rooms alone with no ones hand to hold. Long shifts worked day and night. Growing bills and loans. Homesick days and lost friendships. Too many drunken nights and rough mornings. Many regrets and not enough accomplishments.

....and then he hugs me and none of the above matters.
How does that happen?

When I need it the most and least except anything from anyone, he knows.
So at least for now I don't just feel like an annoying roommate or a shadow of who I used to be... for now I feel loved.

Isn't feeling loved in this strange world the entire point of living?
If not, what is?

I guess a little touch of inspiration wouldn't hurt right now either...

XXOX

Communication

Why do humans still find the art of basic communication so difficult?

Why do people avoid conversation when it's needed the most?

Why do I swallow my thoughts and feelings instead of solving issues before they become problems? 

... Are we that fearful of being judged?

Yes. 

... Are we unable to express what we feel through words because we know those words will be lost the moment they leave our lips?

Sometimes. 

... Am I in denial and feel that any efforts would be a losing battle regardless?

Yes. 

I don't want a battle. 

I just want you to listen and think and understand and communicate your side so I can listen and think and understand and communicate back. 

All I want is you but what I need is a connection. 

Screaming Silence

You're suppose to be the one person to see behind my mask
But I feel as though I'm more alone when we're together.

I don't want you to be my next biggest mistake.


XXOX

No Longer In The Shadows Of My Yesterday

So I've finally landed at my home base in Dundas, Ontario.

Took a few days to drive here, which included a variety of entertaining events and experiences, ones that I will never want to forget in my lifetime. My sister and I started the trip after a much too brief visit in Winnipeg to say good-bye to a handful of very special people as well as the painful "see you later" to my love. I'm so convinced that one day sooner than later he will join me in Toronto so we can explore the city together.

Our first day of driving into the U.S was a bit delayed... almost 6 hours delayed... so by the time we reached the border it was already starting to get dark. I had been hearing repeatedly that my Jeep was going to get searched top to bottom at the border, and that all my belongings (and there sure was a lot of stuff, my poor Jeep was packed right to the max!) were going to be thrown to the side of the road and left for my sister and I to hastily repack before moving on. Pulling up to the gates I continued to look awkward by choosing the only closed one, leaving myself no choice but to back up and make a mess of what should have been extremely simple. With passports in hand my sister and I were ready to go with out sweetest smiles on just in case that made a difference. 5 seconds after handing the women our I.D's we were released to continue on our way. Easy as pie! Thank goodness... since we still had about 5 more hours of driving until we reached Minneapolis.

In Minneapolis I had never ever been more excited to see an empty parking lot with no lighting in my entire life. It seemed no matter how much or how little fluids my sister and I consumed stopping to use the bathroom was an on-going trend that happened at least every two or three hours. By the time we reached Minneapolis we had greatly expired our three hour limit and in desperate need of some relief we legit pulled into a parking lot and had our own little pants down party. No one knew us so who cares!

We stayed in a very fancy looking hotel called the Millennium that I had found a great deal at online and booked a few weeks prior. The pool would have been so amazing to jump into but by this time it was already past 2 A.M. and closed. Since we both looked like complete shit we decided on ordering a pizza instead of resorting to the hotel kitchen or any other drunk people filled after-bar hangout spot. Although when the pizza guy came it was a fight to who was going to show off their lovely locks and messy makeup. My sister lost but with her luck the pizza boy was apparently verrrry handsome and worth the short walk (or so she says).

Two ladies in their early 20's find themselves in Minneapolis with nothing to do for the morning... the only option is clearly... Mall of America! Without getting too lost we managed to find a pretty decent parking spot just outside of the entrance to the rides & rollercosters!! Robyn and I indulged in the unlimited rides wrist bands and tested out all the rollercosters and rides we could for the next four hours. It was so much fun I felt like I as a little girl again! We vowed not to shop at all since the Jeep was already packed and ready to go with very little room for even us to sit. We started on our way to Milwaukee that afternoon with no idea what we'd find...

With this being both my sisters and I first lengthy road trip without older people guiding the way, I thought it would be a smart idea to pre-book our hotel rooms online (taking into consideration the reviews, locations and free amenities... breakfast & WiFi). The first hotel was awesome, very clean and well managed. Pulling up to our second hotel in Milwaukee was another story completely... the only way I can describe it is it appeared to be a very nice place for drug deals and prostitution to take place. The rooms were affordably priced at $45.00 a night, the entire hotel had many dark private areas to suit the needs of a handful of people just hanging out in the parking lot, and the rooms were quite simplicity in a sense that they definitely are trying to save the environment by not ever using a washing machine or cleaning products. To top it off my sister can be a bit of a queen... hence her childhood nickname "Queenie", so as soon as she walked into our room she stopped dead in her tracks and basically marched right back out but not before turning on a wobbly, flickering lamp to check the bed sheets. The thankfully paid for a wonderful room at the Holiday Express across the street to save our health. Even the manager admitted to us that she often wondered who stayed at the other hotel as she has only ever seen strange people walking about over there. Errr... yikes! Thank you Robyn for convincing me cross the street with you.

The next day was our longest day driving. We had about 10.5 hours left and were planning on powering through all of it before suppertime. We got up early and enjoyed a delicious free breakfast, then made our way onto Interstate 94 to continue to back into Canada. For my first time driving on any kind of large, fast-moving highway I feel like I did pretty good. It was terrible sleeping each night as I continually had dreams of driving and getting lost or crashing/causing an accident. We made it safe and sound into Canada a few hours later then expected but it didn't matter because we found Tim Hortons once again. It was amazing. It was also amazing when Robyn and I were sitting in the Jeep in the parking lot and some guy backed up a bit in the drive thru in front of us and was hand signaling to us. It took us a few minutes to realize he was signaling to us but he was seriously almost out of his truck to walk over to us before we clued in that he was trying to tell us that Robyn had left her ice capp on the roof of the Jeep! People are so nice in Canada haha he couldn't stop laughing and neither could we. We felt like the biggest losers ever haha! Ahhh so the rest of our trip ended within four hours and now we are safe & sound at my Auntie's wonderful home in Dundas.

Her backyard is to die for. Such a paradise.



XXOX

Like a bad habit, it's going to be hard to break this cycle.

So the big move is getting closer with each fleeting moment. I'm actually quite surprised no one has called my bluff as currently I am more terrified than excited for this new life of mine. I can't even imagine the number of obstacles I'll be facing once it all begins. 

New school, new faces, new job, new lifestyle, new outlook & attitude, new wants & needs, new goals...

At this point I have no clue who I'll be in a few months. Ever since highschool I've always adapted to different situations by blending in... kind of... I always did wear weird clothes so I sort of stood out awkwardly all the time.. but regardless, I managed to alter myself to fit whatever the situation. A.k.A. fit my boyfriend at the time.

For example.. in all my past relationships I developed a second me. One who dressed the way they wanted,  listened to music they suggested, acted the way they liked me to, etc. I've been a rebel, punk, emo-ish, girly girl, rocker, slutty (combined with all the other options usually), pinup, vintage, nerdy, hipster, stoner, party girl, omg the list is seriously endless. 

I hadn't really seen the stages this clearly until I started sorting through all my old clothes and cds (which I still have from highschool).The "stages"are very evident and since I've spend almost my entire teenage years dating guys there was a very wide variety of styles that just so happened to coordinate perfectly with my wide variety of ex's. Its sad to say but even at 21 years old I still don't know who I am, but I have a pretty good idea of who I want to be. 

Today I feel like... Robyn's nerdy older sister, Kyle's long distance girlfriend & Kelsey's increasingly distant friend. 

In the future I just want to feel like me. 

A most likely struggling yet extremely happy
 & passionate special effects makeup artist. 

A vintage wearing, bargain hunting, bunny loving lady.

A very independent woman with an old
soul that enjoys wine a bit too much 
after a long day. 

I guess the trick would be to find 

a way to not let the current situations 

around me define who I am.  

Because when those situations go away 

its a lot harder to pick up the pieces 

& find balance when I've become 

dependent on them.

Like a bad habit, 
it's going to be hard to break this cycle.  

Wish me luck :) XXOX